This was an email I received a while back.... it's kind of a sore point with me, so I wrote one in response!!
It's a little long but totally worth it!!
> Original Becoming Illegal: An actual letter from an
> Iowa resident and sent to his Senator
>
>
>
> Dear Senator Harkin,
>
> As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the
> Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your
> assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland
> Security in an effort to determine the process for
> becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
>
> My primary reason for wishing to change my status from
> US. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which
> was recently passed by the Senate and for which you
> voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions
> is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
> United States for five years, all I need to do to
> become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income
> taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good
> deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
> started before everyone figures it out.
>
> Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have
> had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the
> prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for
> paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply
> to be illegal retroactively?
>
> This would yield an excellent result for me and my
> family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
> A dditionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using
> the local emergency room as my primary health care
> provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
> medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save
> almost $10,000 a year.
>
> Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that
> my daughter would receive preferential treatment
> relative to her law school applications, as well as
> "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout
> the United States for my son.
>
> Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve
> me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and
> making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is
> very important to me given that I still have college
> age children driving my car.
>
> If you would provide me with an outline of the process
> to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and
> copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
> appreciative. Thank you for your assistance
>
> Your Loyal Constituent,
> Donald Ruppert
> Burlington , I A
From the desk of:
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
MY RESPONSE:
Dear Donald Ruppert,
I thank you for your letter; though a very unique request, I believe I may have a solution.
In order to retroactively become an illegal alien there are several requirements, they are as follows:
You must:
Leave your family and friends(grandparents and children included)
Take all current cash and savings and leave them behind
Forgo your current position no matter how prestigious
Fly to a south American country and catch the next dilapidated over filled boat en rout to the US, with no provisions and nothing but the clothes on your back
Avoid capture by homeland security marshals
Avoid capture by local police
Avoid capture by government officials
Avoid being caught when one of your shipmates leaks your position after he himself is caught
Work for less than minimum wage at a job no one else wants, but be criticized for “stealing” said job
Walk around daily with your head down in hopes of not being noticed
Endure being made fun of and having people avoid you
Find a small one bedroom home to live in with 9 of your fellow shipmates
Live without healthcare despite the long hours you spend at work in the sun
Have no communication with your family and friends whatsoever (grandparents and children included)
Sleep 5 hours a night
Wake up at 5 in the morning catch the local work truck to your next job and try to get some rest in the back of said truck no matter how cold and uncomfortable
Leave work at 9 and return home
Work 7 days a week
Avoid upsetting your boss because he will have your deported
Never have any privacy
Forgo all your rights as a human being
After completing this small list of items for a minimum of a five year period, you can apply to become an American citizen. This will allow you to begin your new life as an American where you will have the opportunity to:
Get a pay raise to minimum wage
Loose your job because your current employer will not pay minimum wage
Find a job bussing tables or washing dishes for minimum wage
Pay taxes on your minimum wage
Get overcharged on those taxes because you don’t know tax laws and can’t afford an accountant
Avoid wrongfully being accused of being in the country illegaly
Pay for healthcare insurance
Pay for car insurance
Pay home insurance for your still illegal 9 housemates
Work 2 to 3 jobs minimum to barely survive
Never give up the hope of bringing your family over to be with you, no matter how long it has been (5-7 years)
Keep hope that your wife has not found another husband and your child will actually remember you (and perhaps even miss the birth of your child)
Work 10 times as hard as everyone else, with less pay and no respect
Continue being called an illegal immigrant no matter what your status
Feel like you’re a stranger in a land you now call home
After you have done all of this, you will finally be living the American dream for an illegal immigrant.
If you are still interested in retrospectively changing your status, simply contact my office and we will get the paperwork started. The entire process should take approximately six months.
There is one downfall I feel impressed to share with you before you start this process. The downfall is that no matter how much money and success you will achieve after those 5 to 7 years, you will never be accepted in the general society again.
Hope this helps,
Tom Harkin
Senator
